 |
| Senior year of high school. |
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday's for Me
 |
| Well, if this doesn't show the tired-ass day I've had I don't know what does. It's been a long day that's for sure. |
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Yellow
I love this color now.
So What?
When I was little (what a shocker so far ago huh?), the only thing I associated the color with was urine. So everything yellow was instantaneously eww. Whether it was a mundane item like a yellow t-shirt or a ripe banana or anything peculiarly yellow, I loathed it all. I would automatically make fun of the yellow pee-pee and hope I wasn't stuck with that color.
I didn't care for its natural vibrancy, expressive joy, or its importance as a neutral fashion staple.
So What?
When I was little (what a shocker so far ago huh?), the only thing I associated the color with was urine. So everything yellow was instantaneously eww. Whether it was a mundane item like a yellow t-shirt or a ripe banana or anything peculiarly yellow, I loathed it all. I would automatically make fun of the yellow pee-pee and hope I wasn't stuck with that color.
I didn't care for its natural vibrancy, expressive joy, or its importance as a neutral fashion staple.
But hey, in my defense, I didn't have the submarines, umbrellas, fever, or Coldplay to change my mind about this color.
I have definitely outgrown this phase of dislike for the color yellow (maybe with the help with the aforementioned^^?). I even chose Yellow to be my camp name as a camp counselor this year because it's the color that represents my favorite character in my favorite Chinese myth about the Seven Fairy Maidens. You see, the myth is about the seven beautiful daughters of the Jade Emperor, the ruler of Heaven and all the realms. The most famous version of the myth has to do with the seventh fairy falling in love with a human and their struggle to stay together although it is almost impossible and forbidden. Valentine's Day on the Chinese Lunar calendar is often thought to be in their honor, celebrating the day they can finally be together. She is often represented as the "weaver girl" or Goddess Weaver who created the Milky Way and gives color and light to the world. Together, the sisters are each represented by the colors of the rainbow (the Chinese Version): 紅橙黃綠藍靛紫, red orange yellow green blue indigo purple. In my family, there are also seven daughters, which is really rare to find in a lot of Chinese families today! And because it is a popular, well-known myth, whenever my parents' friends meet my sisters and I, they will liken us to the myth. I have heard that myth mentioned so much in my life that it has inadvertently become my favorite because it is so close to my heart. My favorite character in the myth is the third sister because I, too, am the third oldest; because they are represented by the rainbow, the third color yellow is her color. I guess choosing Yellow as a name some people know me by reminds me to be who I want to be, a little more carefree and graceful, just as if they were calling me the fairy maiden themselves.
I've always wished it were true. The myth wasn't just a myth and I was actually the Third Fairy (haha I realize how silly it all sounds even as I type it.) How I would love to be a fairy, flying high up in the clouds, watching people from afar, playing with magic powers, to love and be loved.
I have definitely outgrown this phase of dislike for the color yellow (maybe with the help with the aforementioned^^?). I even chose Yellow to be my camp name as a camp counselor this year because it's the color that represents my favorite character in my favorite Chinese myth about the Seven Fairy Maidens. You see, the myth is about the seven beautiful daughters of the Jade Emperor, the ruler of Heaven and all the realms. The most famous version of the myth has to do with the seventh fairy falling in love with a human and their struggle to stay together although it is almost impossible and forbidden. Valentine's Day on the Chinese Lunar calendar is often thought to be in their honor, celebrating the day they can finally be together. She is often represented as the "weaver girl" or Goddess Weaver who created the Milky Way and gives color and light to the world. Together, the sisters are each represented by the colors of the rainbow (the Chinese Version): 紅橙黃綠藍靛紫, red orange yellow green blue indigo purple. In my family, there are also seven daughters, which is really rare to find in a lot of Chinese families today! And because it is a popular, well-known myth, whenever my parents' friends meet my sisters and I, they will liken us to the myth. I have heard that myth mentioned so much in my life that it has inadvertently become my favorite because it is so close to my heart. My favorite character in the myth is the third sister because I, too, am the third oldest; because they are represented by the rainbow, the third color yellow is her color. I guess choosing Yellow as a name some people know me by reminds me to be who I want to be, a little more carefree and graceful, just as if they were calling me the fairy maiden themselves.
I've always wished it were true. The myth wasn't just a myth and I was actually the Third Fairy (haha I realize how silly it all sounds even as I type it.) How I would love to be a fairy, flying high up in the clouds, watching people from afar, playing with magic powers, to love and be loved.
Yes, I get all that from the color Yellow. It's funny because I got a major lesson out of camp reflecting on my own decision for the name Yellow. Who would have thunk this color would mean so much to me, certainly not me. Overall, I wanted to explain my camp name and my fascination with the ethereal beauty of myths. And it also teaches me something about beauty and aesthetics. I have to look beyond the mere outside of things and never make an over-encompassing decision about something I never gave a chance. Otherwise I'll miss out on the little things that can be the beginnings of something magical in this realm, like the natural wonder of sunlight, the fresh smell of daffodils, or the crisp clean of an old journal page full of juicy secrets. It's all in the perception of things and the way we go about life. Additionally, that same camp showed us a short movie called "Butterfly Circus", that I really recommend, that packs a great punch that is important to learn and to ponder everyday.
It is strange how thinking about the color yellow could possibly lead me to so many different insights, but it is important to remember that you don't have to change yourself entirely to become someone you aspire to be. The power resides in us all, and sometimes, if we are open minded and sharp, we'll pick up hints and inspirations along the way to guide us towards the better.
(Btw...It's getting obvious that I really like using the links huh?)
It is strange how thinking about the color yellow could possibly lead me to so many different insights, but it is important to remember that you don't have to change yourself entirely to become someone you aspire to be. The power resides in us all, and sometimes, if we are open minded and sharp, we'll pick up hints and inspirations along the way to guide us towards the better.
(Btw...It's getting obvious that I really like using the links huh?)
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monday's for Me
 |
| That dorm life....how I miss the food. First time with good lipstick! <3 looking back, this was a great day! |
Friday, August 9, 2013
來自我的腦海,
我開始寫這個博客因為我有很多的想法，想要把它從我腦海中放鬆， 而且打下來我這個博客裡能立刻的和來自各國的人分享我對世界的意見. （雖然我用中文也許只能和識中文字的朋友溝通，但是我會盡量使用中文和英文.)
自從小學六年級，我想當一位知名的劇作家. 不過我覺得那個夢想是一個不可實現的夢所以早就沒有什麼把握。雖然我現在不想當作家，但是我還是喜歡寫小故事，所以我會試著把我編的小劇本寫在這裡讓觀眾朋友(有幾個, 算幾個......) 批評。
雖然天天有一點複雜我不會再失去我的想像。
我們這些又優美又燦爛的時光我想留下來, 提醒我永不失望， 珍惜眼前人.
哈哈,好了啦, 我不寫的那麼無聊“深厚”了。以下的小段是從我最喜歡的幾首歌的歌詞編出來的，做成一個“靜思語”。請欣賞, 哈哈哈。
陽光灑在地板上 完美的一天
讓我嚐到了愛的滋味 愛到死心塌地
我要用心表演一場讓世界對我肯定 流星下的願
像過去那樣做到 對你的付出堅持不肯少 你好就好
毫無疑問愛情當作信仰 如果愛下去
努力為你改變卻變不了 可惜不是你
最後還要平安回來 回來告訴你哪一切 親親我的寶貝
我從來沒有用過博客，可是每件事總該有個第一次嘛。這樣也好，我終於找到了能夠表白自我的地方。而且這個地方最大的優點就是我也不用在乎別人會怎樣看我因為只有幾個與我天天碰面的人知道我在使用這個博客，所以我更可以自由自在的寫我愛寫的東西。這就成了我的小秘密，當然這個秘密也不能算“秘密”，不過我已經喜歡把它當成秘密。況且，在這裡打字讓我莫名其妙的感到一種稀奇古怪的好感。我萬萬沒有料到寫字竟然會那麼過癮！
雖然天天有一點複雜我不會再失去我的想像。
我們這些又優美又燦爛的時光我想留下來, 提醒我永不失望， 珍惜眼前人.
陽光灑在地板上 完美的一天
讓我嚐到了愛的滋味 愛到死心塌地
我要用心表演一場讓世界對我肯定 流星下的願
像過去那樣做到 對你的付出堅持不肯少 你好就好
毫無疑問愛情當作信仰 如果愛下去
努力為你改變卻變不了 可惜不是你
最後還要平安回來 回來告訴你哪一切 親親我的寶貝
拜拜。
文字。
文字。
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monday's for Me
 |
| Sometimes you need a pick me up, so look in the mirror and smile because beauty can pick any one up if you give it a chance. (Or you can revert to taking a million and one selfies ;] I find that helps too.) |
Pretense
Boy have I got a problem. Here I am at 1:25 am sitting in the exact same spot on the floor as I was at 1:25 pm yesterday (which is the time I woke up.....)
I have become one of those people I have always chuckled about. People who blow their lives out of proportion, when in fact they are living it up. Not that I am living it up or anything but my problems are nothing compared to other people's issues. I have heat, lights, food, and hell I even have this computer to type my shit out on. I should be thanking my lucky stars rather than being so unsatisfied with things. I write like I have suffered a great wronging; most of the time I put a damn supposed air in my writing by habit and by the time I catch myself it's too late. I sound like a fool.
For example, I'll try to write with air and wit tossing ambiguous metaphors and puns that I hope the readers will get (even if I hardly do). Ok, I'll admit I can't come up with an example off the top of my head (does that mean I'm getting better at not writing with a pretense?), but if I go back and read my previous writing samples like assignments (or my personal statement yecch!) I'll be sure to find an example that'll make me want to bash my head in it. I have a lot of respect for teachers or TAs that put up with that beating around the bush bull, read through it, and grade it.
It's almost like I can't write a complex sentence, one full of punch and direction, without ceasing to make sense in the middle. Maybe I just like metaphors, that I get so caught up in what I'm thinking, my mind chugging out ideas that are too fast for my chubby fingers to type, so I try desperately to keep up with it and describe, to the best of my ability, what I'm trying to get across, and for the most part, it's difficult and I fail. So it comes out more dramatic than it should or with more nonsense than sense. But I'm afraid the truth is, I write about myself in an ambiguous tone so I am not forced to answer the real questions I ask or look at the real issues I'm facing.
Is that it? Do I never address anything serious in my mind without feeling the need to fluff it up so it's not so bad or embarrassing? Which in the process I then turn it completely superficial? Well?
I don't know what the real answer is. At least not yet. But one thing's for sure, I have to stop covering up everything and acting like everything is a-okay. Even when my close friends vent about personal issues with me, I can't say I feel comfortable reciprocating the action. Don't get me wrong, I'm a great listener, I love my friends, and I give great advice (so I've been told) but I never find myself sharing to anyone. When I do talk about anything in my life, I say it like it doesn't mean much, like I'm at a distance, cold and unaffected, even when it's something that means so much to me. I wonder if people really understand how serious something is to me when I don't give them the chance to understand? Usually, I hardly even I scratch the surface of my own feelings and only pay attention to the superficial little problems rather than growing a pair (or second vagina, which, as Betty White says, "can take a real beating") and telling people about what is really going on. And by doing so I hope everything will fade away and work itself out, and it sometimes does but never perfect and never without consequences. And if it doesn't, in my mind has already willed it to and then it magically has and I move on, with a little hole each time. But that hole has gotten pretty big (I'm doing it again...the pretenses, the vagueness!!! Grrr......) What I'm trying to say is that I don't "feel" and I let things fester. And it shows.
It's not just with issues. With each day, I feel like I'm getting more and more fake. And I not trying to be fake, I just am. (Oh the irony.) I think it's because I forgot where I come from or I am subconsciously trying damn hard to. My parents have worked too damn hard for me to sit here, complain about lifting a finger or responsibilities or for me to lie about who I am and where I come from to myself. They would be mad pissed that I am acting like a pretentious, coy, spoiled, narcissistic bitch. (Not that I am horribly over the top but might definitely be headed in that direction in the future if I don't take a good, hard look at my self now.) They never raised me to be ashamed of who I am and who they are, where the hell am I getting these feelings from? Is it because I have built this new chapter in my life on the wrong kind of trust? I forget the harder life because I literally have walked away from it, towards better, a higher education and bigger opportunities. But so much for "higher" education, I am not learning the right things about life if all I can see is an escape hole from my past and upbringing. Sometimes I'm ashamed of where I come from in comparison to other people's backgrounds so I never say anything; but when I come across people from my same background, successful and actively trying to change their communities, I act like I do with other people. I don't say anything about how I understand their struggle and can relate because even if I do the words and tone coming out of my mouth unintentionally become unrecognizable to me, sounding superficial and pitiful, like I'm trying hard to understand them when I know nothing at all (when in fact I do!). I want to help, unfortunately, I have become so used to not speaking up I don't really get the chance. I see so many people that turn their backs on their background and vow never to return and it leaves them a little broken inside. Will that be me? Am I trying too hard to forge a life ahead of me that is brighter at the cost of pulling the curtains on my past?
One thing I hope comes out of this blog writing is to keep me grounded and/or to pull my nose out of the air. I hope by writing more often will help release my pent up true feelings and overtime it will help me answer many of the questions I ask. I'll leave the writing with a pretentious, suspenseful air in words to the people who really have lives to wonder about. I also hope that I'll learn from the mistakes in my life and how to go about them from a smarter and wittier me. Overall, I'm thankful for a chance to re-look at things, for the good in my life that surmounts the bad, and the little bit of "living it up" I can do once in every blue moon.
Gone are the days of my half-assed fools, cheers to the days that loom close by, at my fingertips, in my control. (How's that for pretentious? ;) But in all seriousness, I will drop the posh act and be real.)
By the way, while it did take me a long while to write, I took a lot of breaks in between yeah the time at the top does not match when I posted, big whoop. :) <3
I have become one of those people I have always chuckled about. People who blow their lives out of proportion, when in fact they are living it up. Not that I am living it up or anything but my problems are nothing compared to other people's issues. I have heat, lights, food, and hell I even have this computer to type my shit out on. I should be thanking my lucky stars rather than being so unsatisfied with things. I write like I have suffered a great wronging; most of the time I put a damn supposed air in my writing by habit and by the time I catch myself it's too late. I sound like a fool.
For example, I'll try to write with air and wit tossing ambiguous metaphors and puns that I hope the readers will get (even if I hardly do). Ok, I'll admit I can't come up with an example off the top of my head (does that mean I'm getting better at not writing with a pretense?), but if I go back and read my previous writing samples like assignments (or my personal statement yecch!) I'll be sure to find an example that'll make me want to bash my head in it. I have a lot of respect for teachers or TAs that put up with that beating around the bush bull, read through it, and grade it.
It's almost like I can't write a complex sentence, one full of punch and direction, without ceasing to make sense in the middle. Maybe I just like metaphors, that I get so caught up in what I'm thinking, my mind chugging out ideas that are too fast for my chubby fingers to type, so I try desperately to keep up with it and describe, to the best of my ability, what I'm trying to get across, and for the most part, it's difficult and I fail. So it comes out more dramatic than it should or with more nonsense than sense. But I'm afraid the truth is, I write about myself in an ambiguous tone so I am not forced to answer the real questions I ask or look at the real issues I'm facing.
Is that it? Do I never address anything serious in my mind without feeling the need to fluff it up so it's not so bad or embarrassing? Which in the process I then turn it completely superficial? Well?
I don't know what the real answer is. At least not yet. But one thing's for sure, I have to stop covering up everything and acting like everything is a-okay. Even when my close friends vent about personal issues with me, I can't say I feel comfortable reciprocating the action. Don't get me wrong, I'm a great listener, I love my friends, and I give great advice (so I've been told) but I never find myself sharing to anyone. When I do talk about anything in my life, I say it like it doesn't mean much, like I'm at a distance, cold and unaffected, even when it's something that means so much to me. I wonder if people really understand how serious something is to me when I don't give them the chance to understand? Usually, I hardly even I scratch the surface of my own feelings and only pay attention to the superficial little problems rather than growing a pair (or second vagina, which, as Betty White says, "can take a real beating") and telling people about what is really going on. And by doing so I hope everything will fade away and work itself out, and it sometimes does but never perfect and never without consequences. And if it doesn't, in my mind has already willed it to and then it magically has and I move on, with a little hole each time. But that hole has gotten pretty big (I'm doing it again...the pretenses, the vagueness!!! Grrr......) What I'm trying to say is that I don't "feel" and I let things fester. And it shows.
It's not just with issues. With each day, I feel like I'm getting more and more fake. And I not trying to be fake, I just am. (Oh the irony.) I think it's because I forgot where I come from or I am subconsciously trying damn hard to. My parents have worked too damn hard for me to sit here, complain about lifting a finger or responsibilities or for me to lie about who I am and where I come from to myself. They would be mad pissed that I am acting like a pretentious, coy, spoiled, narcissistic bitch. (Not that I am horribly over the top but might definitely be headed in that direction in the future if I don't take a good, hard look at my self now.) They never raised me to be ashamed of who I am and who they are, where the hell am I getting these feelings from? Is it because I have built this new chapter in my life on the wrong kind of trust? I forget the harder life because I literally have walked away from it, towards better, a higher education and bigger opportunities. But so much for "higher" education, I am not learning the right things about life if all I can see is an escape hole from my past and upbringing. Sometimes I'm ashamed of where I come from in comparison to other people's backgrounds so I never say anything; but when I come across people from my same background, successful and actively trying to change their communities, I act like I do with other people. I don't say anything about how I understand their struggle and can relate because even if I do the words and tone coming out of my mouth unintentionally become unrecognizable to me, sounding superficial and pitiful, like I'm trying hard to understand them when I know nothing at all (when in fact I do!). I want to help, unfortunately, I have become so used to not speaking up I don't really get the chance. I see so many people that turn their backs on their background and vow never to return and it leaves them a little broken inside. Will that be me? Am I trying too hard to forge a life ahead of me that is brighter at the cost of pulling the curtains on my past?
One thing I hope comes out of this blog writing is to keep me grounded and/or to pull my nose out of the air. I hope by writing more often will help release my pent up true feelings and overtime it will help me answer many of the questions I ask. I'll leave the writing with a pretentious, suspenseful air in words to the people who really have lives to wonder about. I also hope that I'll learn from the mistakes in my life and how to go about them from a smarter and wittier me. Overall, I'm thankful for a chance to re-look at things, for the good in my life that surmounts the bad, and the little bit of "living it up" I can do once in every blue moon.
Gone are the days of my half-assed fools, cheers to the days that loom close by, at my fingertips, in my control. (How's that for pretentious? ;) But in all seriousness, I will drop the posh act and be real.)
By the way, while it did take me a long while to write, I took a lot of breaks in between yeah the time at the top does not match when I posted, big whoop. :) <3
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Normal days can be something of a silver lining.
You just have to know how to look.
In this mess that we call life, sometimes its hard and even strange to sit down and stare at nothing. (People will probably pass by and stare right back at you. Believe me it has happened.) I have work, class, this, that, and another. I have people mad at me or expecting something from me on one end and then I have to face myself at the end of it all. Most of the time I'm so caught up in my own crap I can't tell which tabs open on my computer are for what. Eventually, I end up saying, "Fuck it all, I'm going on YouTube." That's just a trivial example of how I drag my feet everyday, and then end up avoiding everything and coming up with crazy excuses. Bottom line is I'm sick of the daily not so uniform routine, ironic huh? The same classes, people, and scene but everyday I get served with something new to tackle.
But then again, who isn't struggling? Who isn't fed up with their own set of problems these days? And the more I complain the worse I feel because by venting to other people, I open up their can of worms and inadvertently put their sorrows on my shoulders.
So when I get around to a seemingly normal day I am all to happy. But what the hell is normal... I guess its all how you define "normal." It's a matter of the mind and all how you look at it. Maybe it could be the day when my socks don't sag in my shoes. Maybe it's those few days I'm on time for everything. Or maybe it's when I have a great meal with great company. One things for certain, I have to stop taking for granted the simple things and learn to recognize its grandeur as it happens because those are the markers of what makes my day normal. And when I have those days, the one day out of a week if I'm lucky, I am unstoppable. (And those are my only days of narcissism......I promise.)
But hey, it's easier said than done right? So I guess I gotta come up with a new mantra and keep repeating it to myself to remind myself to walk the talk.
So my new mantra, "when life hands you a big gold pile of shit, just you wait, you will get that silver."
In this mess that we call life, sometimes its hard and even strange to sit down and stare at nothing. (People will probably pass by and stare right back at you. Believe me it has happened.) I have work, class, this, that, and another. I have people mad at me or expecting something from me on one end and then I have to face myself at the end of it all. Most of the time I'm so caught up in my own crap I can't tell which tabs open on my computer are for what. Eventually, I end up saying, "Fuck it all, I'm going on YouTube." That's just a trivial example of how I drag my feet everyday, and then end up avoiding everything and coming up with crazy excuses. Bottom line is I'm sick of the daily not so uniform routine, ironic huh? The same classes, people, and scene but everyday I get served with something new to tackle.
But then again, who isn't struggling? Who isn't fed up with their own set of problems these days? And the more I complain the worse I feel because by venting to other people, I open up their can of worms and inadvertently put their sorrows on my shoulders.
So when I get around to a seemingly normal day I am all to happy. But what the hell is normal... I guess its all how you define "normal." It's a matter of the mind and all how you look at it. Maybe it could be the day when my socks don't sag in my shoes. Maybe it's those few days I'm on time for everything. Or maybe it's when I have a great meal with great company. One things for certain, I have to stop taking for granted the simple things and learn to recognize its grandeur as it happens because those are the markers of what makes my day normal. And when I have those days, the one day out of a week if I'm lucky, I am unstoppable. (And those are my only days of narcissism......I promise.)
But hey, it's easier said than done right? So I guess I gotta come up with a new mantra and keep repeating it to myself to remind myself to walk the talk.
So my new mantra, "when life hands you a big gold pile of shit, just you wait, you will get that silver."
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