Pretense

Boy have I got a problem.  Here I am at 1:25 am sitting in the exact same spot on the floor as I was at 1:25 pm yesterday (which is the time I woke up.....)

I have become one of those people I have always chuckled about.  People who blow their lives out of proportion, when in fact they are living it up.  Not that I am living it up or anything but my problems are nothing compared to other people's issues.  I have heat, lights, food, and hell I even have this computer to type my shit out on.  I should be thanking my lucky stars rather than being so unsatisfied with things.  I write like I have suffered a great wronging; most of the time I put a damn supposed air in my writing by habit and by the time I catch myself it's too late.  I sound like a fool.

For example, I'll try to write with air and wit tossing ambiguous metaphors and puns that I hope the readers will get (even if I hardly do).  Ok, I'll admit I can't come up with an example off the top of my head (does that mean I'm getting better at not writing with a pretense?), but if I go back and read my previous writing samples like assignments (or my personal statement yecch!) I'll be sure to find an example that'll make me want to bash my head in it.  I have a lot of respect for teachers or TAs that put up with that beating around the bush bull, read through it, and grade it.

It's almost like I can't write a complex sentence, one full of punch and direction, without ceasing to make sense in the middle.  Maybe I just like metaphors, that I get so caught up in what I'm thinking, my mind chugging out ideas that are too fast for my chubby fingers to type, so I try desperately to keep up with it and describe, to the best of my ability, what I'm trying to get across, and for the most part, it's difficult and I fail.  So it comes out more dramatic than it should or with more nonsense than sense.  But I'm afraid the truth is, I write about myself in an ambiguous tone so I am not forced to answer the real questions I ask or look at the real issues I'm facing.

Is that it?  Do I never address anything serious in my mind without feeling the need to fluff it up so it's not so bad or embarrassing?  Which in the process I then turn it completely superficial?  Well?

I don't know what the real answer is.  At least not yet.  But one thing's for sure, I have to stop covering up everything and acting like everything is a-okay.  Even when my close friends vent about personal issues with me, I can't say I feel comfortable reciprocating the action.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a great listener, I love my friends, and I give great advice (so I've been told) but I never find myself sharing to anyone.  When I do talk about anything in my life, I say it like it doesn't mean much, like I'm at a distance, cold and unaffected, even when it's something that means so much to me.  I wonder if people really understand how serious something is to me when I don't give them the chance to understand?  Usually, I hardly even I scratch the surface of my own feelings and only pay attention to the superficial little problems rather than growing a pair (or second vagina, which, as Betty White says, "can take a real beating") and telling people about what is really going on.  And by doing so I hope everything will fade away and work itself out, and it sometimes does but never perfect and never without consequences.  And if it doesn't, in my mind has already willed it to and then it magically has and I move on, with a little hole each time.  But that hole has gotten pretty big (I'm doing it again...the pretenses, the vagueness!!! Grrr......)  What I'm trying to say is that I don't "feel" and I let things fester.  And it shows.

It's not just with issues.  With each day, I feel like I'm getting more and more fake.  And I not trying to be fake, I just am.  (Oh the irony.)  I think it's because I forgot where I come from or I am subconsciously trying damn hard to.  My parents have worked too damn hard for me to sit here, complain about lifting a finger or responsibilities or for me to lie about who I am and where I come from to myself.  They would be mad pissed that I am acting like a pretentious, coy, spoiled, narcissistic bitch.  (Not that I am horribly over the top but might definitely be headed in that direction in the future if I don't take a good, hard look at my self now.)  They never raised me to be ashamed of who I am and who they are, where the hell am I getting these feelings from?  Is it because I have built this new chapter in my life on the wrong kind of trust? I forget the harder life because I literally have walked away from it, towards better, a higher education and bigger opportunities.  But so much for "higher" education, I am not learning the right things about life if all I can see is an escape hole from my past and upbringing.  Sometimes I'm ashamed of where I come from in comparison to other people's backgrounds so I never say anything; but when I come across people from my same background, successful and actively trying to change their communities, I act like I do with other people.  I don't say anything about how I understand their struggle and can relate because even if I do the words and tone coming out of my mouth unintentionally become unrecognizable to me, sounding superficial and pitiful, like I'm trying hard to understand them when I know nothing at all (when in fact I do!).  I want to help, unfortunately, I have become so used to not speaking up I don't really get the chance. I see so many people that turn their backs on their background and vow never to return and it leaves them a little broken inside.  Will that be me?  Am I trying too hard to forge a life ahead of me that is brighter at the cost of pulling the curtains on my past?

One thing I hope comes out of this blog writing is to keep me grounded and/or to pull my nose out of the air.  I hope by writing more often will help release my pent up true feelings and overtime it will help me answer many of the questions I ask.  I'll leave the writing with a pretentious, suspenseful air in words to the people who really have lives to wonder about.  I also hope that I'll learn from the mistakes in my life and how to go about them from a smarter and wittier me. Overall, I'm thankful for a chance to re-look at things, for the good in my life that surmounts the bad, and the little bit of "living it up" I can do once in every blue moon.

Gone are the days of my half-assed fools, cheers to the days that loom close by, at my fingertips, in my control. (How's that for pretentious? ;)  But in all seriousness, I will drop the posh act and be real.)

By the way, while it did take me a long while to write, I took a lot of breaks in between yeah the time at the top does not match when I posted, big whoop. :) <3